Quotes from The Unknown Cyclist

Melissa Cavatelli: The man is an alcoholic penis with legs.

[trying to come out to his mother]
Doug Stein: Is there something you wanna ask about me?
Rachel: Nah... No.
Doug Stein: Let me rephrase that... I need to tell you something that...
Rachel: [quickly] I don't wanna know.
Doug Stein: How do you *know* that you don't wanna know?
Rachel: Because if it's what I think it is, I don't wanna know.
Doug Stein: Then, you know?
Rachel: Maybe but I don't *want* to know.
Doug Stein: So why can't I tell you?
Rachel: Then I would *really* know. You *know* I know. So why tell me?
Doug Stein: Because I need to know you know.
Rachel: No. Because then I'd really know.