Quotes from The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert

Marion: Stop wearing out that mirror!

Felicia: [singing] A desert holiday, let's pack the drag away. You take the lunch and tea, I'll take the ecstasy. Fuck off you silly queer, I'm getting out of here. A desert holiday, hip hip hip hip hooray!

Bernadette: Stop flexing your muscles, you big pile of budgie turd. I'm sure your mates will be much more impressed if you just go back to the pub and fuck a couple of pigs on the bar.
Bob: Bernadette, please.
Frank: BERNADETTE? Well I'll be darned. The whole circus is in town. Well I suppose you wanna fuck too do you? Come on Bernadette, come and fuck me. That's it. Come on. Come and fuck me. Come on.
[Bernadette knees Frank in the groin]
Bernadette: There, now you're fucked!

Bernadette: No, I'll join this conversation on the proviso that we stop bitching about people talking about wigs, dresses, bust sizes, penises, drugs, night clubs, and bloody Abba!
Tick: Doesn't give us much to talk about then, does it?

[Cooking sausages]
Felicia: How do you like your little boys, girls?

Bernadette: That's just what this country needs: a cock in a frock on a rock.

Bernadette: One more push, I'm gonna to smack his face so hard he'll have to stick his toothbrush up his arse to clean his teeth!

Bernadette: Now listen here, you mullet. Why don't you just light your tampon, blow your box apart? Because it's the only bang you're ever gonna get, sweetheart!

Bernadette: I've said it before, and I'll say it again: "No more fucking ABBA!"

Felicia: It's so funny you'll laugh so hard your lashes will curl all by themselves.

Felicia: So anyway, back to me.

Felicia: Oh, for goodness sakes, get down off that crucifix. Someone needs the wood.

Felicia: Do you think I'm going to let you walk away with all the attention? No chance, come on girls. Let's go shopping.

Mitzi: Come on girls, off your snatches.

Mitzi: Oh, get bet back in your kennels, both of you.

Felicia: Do you know why this microphone has such a long cord? So it's easily retrieved after I've shoved it up your ass.

Mitzi: You know, there are two things I don't like about you, Felicia... your face. So how 'bout shutting both of them?

Felicia: Mowing those lawns must have been murder on your heels, though.

Mitzi: What fun. Baby bottles of booze.

Felicia: The only life I saw for the last million miles were the hypnotized bunnies. Most of them are now wedged in the tires.

Mitzi: Bernice has left her cake out in the rain!

Mitzi: Tack-a-rama!

Cynthia: Me don't like you anyway. You have little ding-a-ling.

Bernadette: Being a man one day and a woman the next isn't an easy thing.

Bernadette: Believe me, Bob, these days gentlemen are an endangered species. Unlike bloody drag queens who just keep breeding like rabbits.

Bernadette: Oh. Uh, gather around girls, uh, let me show you a trick. You, um, drink the Gin...
[Guzzles the entire contents]
Bernadette: aah, uh, fill the bottle up with water and then put it back in the fridge.
Mitzi: Va-t'on vous. What about the scotch?
Bernadette: Aha! That's where the complimentary tea bags come in handy.

Felicia: Do you have the Texas Chainsaw Mascara?

Felicia: [when the Spencer's see all three and then take off] Oh, for goodness sakes, look at yourself, Mitz. How many times do I have to tell you? Green is not your color!
[Laughs hysterically]

Bernadette: Ladies, start your engines!

[after their bus breaks down in the middle of the outback]
Bernadette: Oh Felicia. Where the Fukawi?

Bernadette: We've only recently discovered that young Anthony here, bats for both teams.
Mitzi: I do not!
Felicia: Oh, so we're straight?
Mitzi: No.
Felicia: Oh, we're not. So we're a donut puncher, after all?
Mitzi: No.
Felicia: Then what the fuck are we?
Mitzi: I don't fuckin' know.

Bernadette: Oh, you must be fucking joking.

Tick: Is it true when you were born the doctor turned around and slapped your mother?

Bernadette: What a lovely dog. What's it's name?
Bob: Herpes. If she's good, she'll heel.

Mitzi: I never heard Trumpet play.
Bernadette: Play? He didn't *play*, dear. Trumpet didn't have a single musical bone in his body. No, Trumpet had an unusually large foreskin. So large that he could wrap the entire thing around a Monte Carlo biscuit.

Benji: Does Dad have a boyfriend at the moment?
Felicia: No, no he doesn't.
Benji: Neither does Mum. She used to have a girlfriend, but she got over her.
Benji: [Benji pauses, then turns and looks at Felicia] You want to come play in my room? I've got Lego.

Bernadette: [after Felicia tells Bernadette about her ABBA story] Are you telling me this is an ABBA turd?

Tick: What do you assume I do?
Marion: Assumption, my dear Mitz, is the mother of all fuck-ups.

Marion: Morals are a choice, and he'll decide his own when he's good and bloody well ready.

Tick: [Tick and Bernadette are discussing what it would be like to have children] What happens if they turn out like Adam?
Bernadette: You stuff 'em back in and ask for a refund.

Felicia: Oh, you can't do that with a ping-pong ball!
Bernadette: Wanna bet?

Felicia: I met these Swedish tourists called... Lars, Lars and Lars.

Felicia: [after showing him the bus he had bought for their trip] Ta-da! What do you think?
Tick: When do we have to return it to the school?

Tick: I've um... been asked to do a show out of town.

Doctor: Mr. Belrose?
Tick: Yes?
Doctor: It's a boy.

Bernadette: You've got to be fucking joking!

Bernadette: How long is the run?
Tick: Four weeks. Equity minimum, two shows a night, accommodation included.

Felicia: This old man he played two. He played knick-knack with my poo!

Felicia: I hereby christen this budget Barbie camper, Pricilla: Queen Of The Desert.

Felicia: How long have we been on the road?
Bernadette: Four and a half hours.

Felicia: Hey, can you confirm a rumor for me? Is it true that her real name is Ralph?

Tick: Night, John Boy.

Bernadette: Don't "Darling", me, Darling. Look at you. You've got a face like a cat's arse.

Felicia: I mean who is the fish that runs this bloody hotel in the middle of nowhere anyway? Your mother?
Tick: My wife. I'm married.

Felicia: This is getting too weird. You, and a *woman*? What did she used do for kicks? Put a bucket over your head and swing off the handle?

Felicia: You haven't got any kids stashed away as well have you?

Felicia: All dolled up and nowhere to go.

Bernadette: At least the bump on your head is bigger than your prick!

Tick: What sort of bent-childhood... did you have, Adam Whitely?

Uncle Barrie: Uncle Barrie's penie-pie is caught in the drain. Get mummy! Get mummy!

Felicia: Sorry... Ralph.

Bernadette: Do tell us your hilarious joke.