Quotes from Oscar

Eduardo: Ah, so now you wanna make-a peace with you papa? You wanna me die happy.
Snaps: Of course, Papa.
Eduardo: So now you *wanna* me die!
[slaps him]

Snaps: Poole was right! You are an ox *and* a moron!

Lisa Provolone: ...I want to go to the top of the Empire State Building!
Anthony Rossano: And what am I doing during all this? Babysitting Oscar's kid?
Lisa Provolone: You always this nasty?
Anthony Rossano: YES! Get used to it!
Lisa Provolone: [gasps] I'm marrying a brute! I never want to see your face again... until the wedding!
Anthony Rossano: That's fine with me! And separate honeymoons!
Lisa Provolone: Fine!
Anthony Rossano: See you in church!
Lisa Provolone: Hmph!

Dr. Thornton Poole: [about Snaps' daughter, Lisa] She seems to have such nicely rounded diphthongs!
Snaps: That's what got her into this jam!

Aldo: Breakfast is soived.
Snaps: "Served", you paluka!

Snaps: [pointing to Anthony] Pop this guy!
Aldo: Boss! We can't have a stiff in the house with company coming!
Snaps: You're right. It ain't proper.

Snaps: [removing Connie's many weapons] It's like disarming Germany.

Snaps: Connie! Am-scray!
Connie: Do I have to, Boss? Every time I leave I fall behind.

Connie: Even in the old days he was known as an honest crook.
Dr. Thornton Poole: That's an oxymoron.
Connie: Gee, you shouldn't oughta said that, Doc.
Snaps: Yeah, leave Connie alone. He does the best he can.

Anthony: All that travel must cut into your home life.
Dr. Thornton Poole: Well, I don't spend as much time with mother as I'd like. But she's got the cats.

Snaps: Let's get started, I got until noon to look like a banker.
Finucci: Oh, we make-a you look like a banker... take off-a you pants.

Snaps: You're a butler now! Butle!

Snaps: If it's Poole you want, it's Poole you'll get. But, Lisa, you've *got* to cross the finish line on this one! This is your third fiance today and it ain't even lunch yet!

Connie: I warned him, boss.
Aldo: Anthony said it was a matter of life an death, boss.
Snaps: And will you two mugs stop callin? me "boss"? It ain't respectable!
Aldo & Connie: Sorry, boss.

Connie: I got it! You daughter's not your daughter, and the cash that used to be the jewels is now your underwear!

Sophia: Now you fired the maid?
Snaps: No! She quit to marry Bruce Underwood!
Sophia: When did that happen?
Snaps: I don't know... somewhere between my vest and my pants.

[Poole is Mr. Provolone's grammar instructor]
Snaps: Mornin', Doc!
Dr. Thornton Poole: Mr. Provolon-e. Where are those G's?
Snaps: [slaps money bag] In here.

Anthony Rossano: When I took over, your books were a mess.
Snaps: They don't sound like they're in no great shape now!
[to himself]
Snaps: Damn, a double-negative.

Lisa Provolone: I'm not a little girl anymore! Look!
[opens robe to reveal nightie]
Snaps: Put that away, I'M YOUR FATHER!

Lisa Provolone: ...I wanna lay on the beach in Honolulu!
Snaps: Do whatever you want, just don't leave this room!

Snaps: [begins choking Anthony] And just how do *you* know *my* daughter?
Anthony: [choking] We met at Club-33.
Snaps: [shouts] In a speakeasy?
Anthony: [choking] It's a very respectable speakeasy.
Snaps: You couldn't even pick one that bought *my* beer!

Snaps: Of course I knew. I just had no idea!

Aldo: Lemme me show you tha door;
[shouts]
Aldo: There's tha door!

Snaps: [to Theresa] You owe me this, sister.
Connie: But I thought she was your daughter.
Snaps: Shut up.

Snaps: [Theresa is looking for Anthony and is asking Snaps where she might be able to find him] I may have an idea where he is.
Theresa: Where.
Snaps: Closer than I thought. Now I want you to stay here and don't come out. You owe me this sister.
Connie: I thought she was your daughter.
Snaps: Shut up!

Aldo: Never witness nuthin'. You live longer.

Snaps: Whadda day! Both my girls are getting married!
Sophia: [looks at Snaps suspiciously] What do you mean, both?
Snaps: [embraces her, indicates Theresa] Sophia, my wife, meet Theresa, my daughter.
Sophia: If she's your daughter, who's her mother?
Roxanne: I am.
Sophia: [shouts] You had a child with the new maid?

Snaps: [after stumbling over the classic elocution exercise, "Round the rough and rugged rocks the ragged rascal rudely ran."] Aw, it's no use, Doc. I'll never learn to talk good.
Dr. Thornton Poole: Do not despair, Mr. Provolon-e. We shall try a different tack.
[takes out a book and reads]
Dr. Thornton Poole: "Rocco the rum-runner rubbed out Rico the Rat with his Rosco for robbing his rum-running receipts."
Snaps: [repeats the sentence perfectly and enthusiastically]
Dr. Thornton Poole: You've got it!
Snaps: Well, yeah! You finally came up with something that made sense!

Father Clemente: Oh, by the way? Congratulations on your daughter marrying Bruce Underwood.
Sophia: Oh, I'm afraid there's been a change, Father. She's now marrying a nice Italian boy. Anthony Rosano.
Father Clemente: It's all for the better. Nothing like a big Italian wedding! Anthony Rosano!
Snaps: Well, forget Anthony, she's not marrying him any more.
Sophia: What?
Father Clemente: Well, that's a shame. But she's young. Someday she'll find the right one.
Snaps: She's found the right one.
Sophia: Who?
Snaps: Doctor Poole!
Sophia: Doctor Poole?
Dr. Thornton Poole: [leans over railing] Hello!

Nora: Mr. Provolone! I'm leaving you to go to the Underwood's.
Snaps: Underwood's? You're going to work for Bruce?
Nora: I'm marrying Bruce.
Snaps: You're marrying Bruce, I found him first! I mean for my daughter.
Nora: We met the day he called on Lisa. Oh, it was love at first sight.
Snaps: Congratulations... You're fired!
Nora: You can't fire me... I quit!
Snaps: Try gettin' a reference outta me sister! Great! The maid gets a millionaire, and my daughter gets a chauffer.

Dr. Thornton Poole: Aldo is a treasure trove of linguistic anomolies.

Lt. Toomey, Chicago PD: A leopard don't change its stipes.
Officer Keough: You mean spots.
Lt. Toomey, Chicago PD: [shouting] I mean Snaps!

Snaps: I'm used to dealing with mobsters and bootleggers and gunsles but you bankers, scary.